Part 2
Connie --
[Ronnie]
Ronnie lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Another day was over and done. His back ached. The overflow truck had come in today; and unloading 300 pieces of furniture had taken its toll on him.
But it was something he could live with in the long run. He needed the money. After all, Avalon wasn’t going to hold his interests forever. California called to him, singing its siren song through the sign just outside of town, ’12 miles to the state line.’ He sat at long hours sometimes and looked at apartment prices in San Diego, San Fransisco, Los Angeles, planning and scheming for the day he would leave this town.
A door creaked in the darkness and Ronnie sat up sharply. The pain in his back protested this sudden action. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, waiting for his affliction to subside. Then he slowly got up and walked over to the window. His sister Elizabeth was making her way out towards the ocean, her flashlight bobbing as she walked along.
Ronnie was perplexed. What was his sister doing? Did his mother know about this? He suspected Perry Weaver was behind this late-night sojourn. Elizabeth had been considering going out with him, though both Ronnie and Mrs. Pratchett had been opposed to it. Now it looked as though she was heading for a star studded rendevous.
The bed creaked as Ronnie got up, grumbling. He opened his dresser drawer and got his hunting knife out. If Perry was the one who was putting Elizabeth up to this, he would take care of it quickly.
Down the stairs Ronnie crept as quietly as he could. It would do no good to wake up his mother. Her prattling and her worrying would only hinder him from stopping what was about to take place. He wanted her to not ask him to hold back. He wanted to be able to make sure that Perry wouldn’t fool around with his sister anymore.
The back door creaked and Ronnie stepped out into the night air. Elizabeth’s flashlight was visible for one moment before it ducked behind a hill and vanished entirely. He struck out in that general direction, trying to keep up and be quiet at the same time. It wasn’t easy. Ronnie had never been one for stealth. He just hoped that the wind managed to hide most of his breathing.
The moon hung over him as his only observer. It cast his shadow in strange shapes. He did not notice them though. His only thought was on preventing his sister from doing something regrettable. If she were to meet with Weaver and something was to happen, Ronnie would never forgive himself.
There was the sound of breaking waves in the darkness. Ronnie knew that the ocean was near. Something was wrong. Weaver would have had Elizabeth meet him by the road. It would have been much easier to flee that way. Down here there was nowhere to run. Ronnie knew that Paul Weaver was a lot of things, but dumb was not one of them. Whatever this was, it was of Elizabeth’s own doing.
With slow steps Ronnie approached the edge of the cliff and peered down. The sight below stunned him. Elizabeth was standing waist deep in the surf. Her flashlight was nowhere to be seen, yet she was fully illuminated by some blue eldritch glow. Before her were five vaguely human shapes. Ronnie peered at them. Parts of them looked more like sea creatures than people. Dolphin, shark, octopus, and a couple of other ones that he didn’t recognize.
Ronnie watched for a long while. His sister appeared to be talking with these strange beings, though about what he did not know. Sheer fascination rooted him to the spot. Then, one of the creatures, the shark, looked right up at him and stared him in the eyes.
“Come down.”
The words were spoken in his mind as clearly as if they’d been said aloud. For a moment, Ronnie was fixed with sudden dread. Why should he go down? What would happen to him? Doubts plagued his mind and he hesitated. But the request kept a gentle pull in him. So at last he began to make his way down the cliff.
When he was about halfway down, he turned and looked over his shoulder. Elizabeth was watching him. There was an odd mixture of perplexment and frustration on her face. She clearly had not been expecting him, and would not have wanted him here had she been. This wasn’t news to Ronnie at all. Most of the time his sister hardly wanted to remember she was related to him. Were she not, he would have forgotten abut her just as easily. However, she was family. Like it or not, they were stuck together. He was responsible for her. It was the entire reason he was out here in the first place.
At last he reached the bottom of the cliff and began to walk towards the water’s edge. Down here, everything was quiet; unnaturally so. Even the waves that usually crashed and smashed with tremendous force were still and subdued. Ronnie suspected that the five beings were somewhat behind it. In his mind, otherworldy appearances heralded otherworldy abilities.
“What are you doing here?” Elizabeth asked when Ronnie was still a distance off. He did not answer yet. “I’m talking to you. Why are you here?”
“Elizabeth, peace,” said one of the beings, the vaguely dolphinlike one. “All will be made clear.”
“Why are you here?” Elizabeth asked Ronnie again.
“Could ask you the same thing,” he finally replied, now that they were within speaking distance.
“Don’t,” she said, unusually commanding.
An amused look crossed Ronnie’s face and he put his hands in his pockets. “Why are you here?” he asked.
Elizabeth’s face grew dark. “I’m not going to let this degenerate into your little games. Why are you here?”
“Elizabeth, peace,” the dolphinlike being repeated. “This is not the way.”
“If you want to know, I saw you leave and I followed,” Ronnie said. “It’s not typical of you to leave the house at night. I figured something was up.”
“It is none of your business what I do,” Elizabeth said, crossing her arms and glaring at him.
“Well, when it could involve Paul Weaver, it becomes my business.”
Now Elizabeth’s face was indignified. “So what if I had been? What would you have done about it?”
Ronnie simply pulled out his hunting knife and stroked the edge of it with his thumb.
“How could you even think of that? He’s a good person, and if...”
“Elizabeth, this is not the time for such a discussion,” said one of the beings that Ronnie was still confused by. “Other matters still loom. This trivial pursuit can wait.”
“Excuse me, but what is going on?” Ronnie asked. “I mean, obviously I was wrong about what was going on here, but I’d still like to know.”
“We are the Choir,” said the octopuslike being. “We have come from the Deep to see your sister.”
“Why is that?” Ronnie asked.
“Who said that you could know?” Elizabeth asked.
“Elizabeth, this is not the way that the Rose should act,” the dolphinlike Choir member said. “We have allowed your brother to join this. He will be invaluable. As a common human, his sensibilities will serve us well against the Xandus.”
“But you don’t know him,” Elizabeth protested.
“We know that he will not betray us,” another Choir member that Ronnie could not identify said. “You are tied to us, and he will not betray you for the world. Isn’t that right, Ronald?”
He nodded, though he wasn’t entirely comfortable with having everything laid out in the open like that. Elizabeth looked slightly annoyed, but said nothing.
“I’m still not sure of exactly what is going on,” he said. “I don’t even know what your names are.”
“Forgive us,” the dolphin-like member said. “I am Koomaroo.”
“I am Septim,” the shark like member said.
“I am Garnalan,” the octopus like member said.
“I am Trien,” the fourth member said.
“And I am Noxaso,” the last member said.
“Together, we are the Choir,” Septim said. “We have come here for a twofold purpose. Your sister has been identified as the next possible Rose of the West. The Xandus know this, and are here even as we speak.”
“You’re losing me again,” Ronnie said.
“Pay attention then,” Elizabeth said.
“The Rose of the West is a sentient individual who has signifigant powers of light,” said Trien, ignoring Elizabeth, “They are to be a key factor in battles against beings of great dark. Your sister has already demonstrated to us her mastery over her power.”
“All right,” Ronnie said. “So my sister knows magic of some kind. I can wrap my head around that.”
“Thankfully,” Elizabeth said.
“So what is the Xandus?” Ronnie asked.
“The Xandus are an interdimensional being that seeks to destroy the West, the last great Tower that binds the darkness,” Koomaroo said. “It feeds upon despair and uses it as a means of great power. They are evil, and it is near.”
“Wait, is there one of these, or more than one?” Ronnie asked.
“Both,” Garnalan said. “And yet, neither. The Xandus and beings similar to it are not easily definable to those who are limited to one universe.”
Ronnie accepted that as it was. “So, why is the Xandus here?”
“We do not know,” said Septim. “Our suspicions are that it has something to do with your sister. Though, anything at all is possible. The Xandus is not one with clear motives.”
“So what do you need me for?” Ronnie asked.
“We need you to protect your sister,” Noxaso said.
“What?” Elizabeth asked, somewhat indignified by this. “I don’t need protecting. I’m going to destroy the Xandus!”
“We are aware of this,” Garnalan said. “And that you will do. Ronald would not be able to attack the Xandus in any case. He cannot see it. They are only visible to those who have experienced great despair. However, the Xandus will have a human agent to act on their behalf. This agent may not be easily identifiable to you. It is our hope that Ronald will safeguard you from this individual.”
“How do you want me to keep her safe?” Ronnie asked.
“We shall leave that eventuality up to you,” Koomaroo said. “Be on your guard. Do not worry about knowing who the agent is. To you, his true nature will be obvious. Simply deal with him before he can hinder your sister’s efforts.”
“That’s it?” Ronnie asked. “Why can’t you just do it?”
“As the Xandus cannot directly interfere, so we cannot either,” Septim said. “We rely on you two, you most of all, Elizabeth.”
“We won’t fail you,” Elizabeth said, though she cast a sideways glance at Ronnie as she said it.
“We trust in that,” Trien said. The Choir nodded, then slipped beneath the waves. The blue glow vanished, leaving the two Pratchett siblings there beneath the pale moonlight.
“You had better not ruin this,” Elizabeth said. “And what’s with you? You’re taking this awfully well.” She narrowed her eyes in suspicion.
“Considering I thought this had something to do with Paul Weaver, almost anything else is kind of a relief,” Ronnie said. “Though, I suspect it’ll hit me later.”
Elizabeth huffed. “Just don’t ruin this,” she repeated. She turned and walked back to the cliffs. Ronnie followed after her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Here as requested!
This hasn't been shredded nearly enough.
This semicolon is grammatically incorrect. Technically a comma would be too, but it's more forgivable than a semicolon.
"At long hours sometimes" feels a bit weird the way it is in the sentence. I'd surround it by commas at the least, possibly putting it in a different part of the sentence.
The "then" here is bothering me slightly. It doesn't seem to tie into anything, even though I know it's to show that his back doesn't hurt anymore. That, however, isn't very obvious. It also feels slightly odd to read.
Who is Mrs Pratchett? It could be Ronnie's mom, but since we don't have a last name for him we can't be sure.
The "her" in front of "worrying" could be deleted.
I'd like a mention of this earlier on. If he had heard the waves before hand, from on top of the cliff, wouldn't he have been able to hear them get quieter? Or had he been to awestruck to notice?
"Somewhat" behind it? Since you give no other alternative to what else could be causing it, that word is a bit misplaced.
Hmm. If they hadn't been within speaking distance before, how did he hear her in the first place? I'd replace it with "now that he didn't have to shout" or something along those lines so it doesn't look like you changed viewpoints.
Since you've established that those creatures speak using telepathy, you're fine with the dolphin.
xD I loved this. Mostly because it's something I'd say.
After being hit with two terms that are not earthly, I'd be asking a lot more questions than this one. Like, asking what the Deep was and who the Choir were.
This looks like it will be an interesting twist should you put it in. Is she truly the Rose of the West?
How? Did they keep him awake? Did they somehow discuss that he should be part of it? In short: How could he be allowed to join when he seemed not to be part of the conversation as of five seconds ago?
"Common" human? That's a pretty cutting remark. And Ronnie doesn't ask what they mean by this, nor does he feel any sting?
How does the Choir know this?
He's just been roped into what can only be described as a meeting between magical creatures, in which those creatures know just about everything about him, and he doesn't ask why?
I shall be coming back to this.
I agree with Lin here. All these names in one shot are a bit much. Not to mention how they're suddenly called these names after. After hearing one name that's slightly unusual I have a hard time remembering them. Five would just leave me completely confused and unable to remember. Yet, they are called these names for the remainder of the work. Which in turn leaves readers confused. At first we knew who they were, and suddenly we don't.
Not enough questions! I'm wondering what this tower is.
I am completely and totally confused by this. "Xanadus" seems to be plural, yet you're calling it singular here? It doesn't make much sense.
So, I'm talking a bit more to Kylan here than you Con, but I suppose I see why you hit James so hard with the death of his father. Still, isn't just knowing he killed his father enough?
And now you are calling the Xanadus plural. This is starting to get very confusing.
*
Characters: Ronnie seemed really, really calm. At first the killer's instinct was a good motivational factor, but as soon as he gets dragged into the magical plot things get a bit... deux ex machina. It's like you're using his cluelessness on the matter to ask the right questions so we, as readers, aren't left in the dark. This can come in handy in some locations, but here it makes us want him to ask more questions. If you're having him only ask certain questions then it looks like you're trying to hide something from us, which can look a bit odd. There is also the way he asks them. It's like he's asking his boss what he needs to do, not like he's being confronted with the major responsibility of guarding his sister from a force bent on destroying the world.
I'm a bit confused as to their ages. At first I thought Ronnie was younger that Elizabeth, but on the second read I think Ronnie's older. But, I'm just not sure how much older. I'm also unsure of Elizabeth's age. Like I said I thought she was older. On the second read I looked at her dialogue more and saw she was fourteen or so.
When it comes to the magical creatures, they all had different personalities until you gave them names. Once they got these really long, complicated names, it was almost too much work to distinguish between all of them. And I found it really odd how only three of them had actual sea-creatures. You can add in seals and something else (I have a long list, heh) but it's just so odd to have two that don't have a creature. It makes them blend together even when the other three are clearer.
Another note about the Choir: They seem to know an awful lot without much explanation as to why. I'm left wondering about that.
The Xanadus are my final mention here. Mostly, my question is if they are a group or just one individual. It's so hard to keep track and it makes the whole second half of this hard to follow when it comes to pronouns.
Description: It was sketchy in some places. I'm wondering where the flashlight went, since it never comes back into the scene, and at first I thought "Avalon" was the Celtic otherworld (one of their heavens).
When Ronnie is walking up to his sister, there seems to be the missing mention that he's wadding into the water. Because if Elizabeth is waist deep in the surf, even if she's short, he'd still need to go into the water to actually be within speaking distance. I would think. Come to mention, you never do say how far that is.
Dialogue: Like I mentioned, it seems too perfect. That mostly comes from the lack of character reactions *points to note above* but it seems to give away too much, almost. But it's probably just the character reactions.
Overall: Pretty nice. I mostly enjoyed this part, but the character confusion is what got to me the most (if you couldn't tell...
Drop me a line with questions.
~Rosey
Mr. Rice and Mr. Rice! Stella here!
First of all- am I the only one who finds it hilarious that it says "Connie-- Ronnie"? Was that deliberate or... heehee!
Ahem.
*becomes mature*
I. NITPICKS
rendezvous, no?
Bit drastic?
abut. Yes, abut.
Could sounds weird in this context.
This... just isn't the question you would ask.
II. WE'RE JUST GOING TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING...
And you're going to listen.
I realise this is a useful tactic to use in fantasy stories but really, in real life, it won't happen like that. You're not going to ask the sea-monsters surrounding your sister their names. Well, you might. But you won't remember their names...
I'd love to see some humanisation of Ronnie in this respect- make him forget names, make him stumble, make him be awed by it all. After all, he's only human... isn't he?
Also, on a this-is-common-in-fantasy-but-not-the-real-world note, the knife. Why would he want to kill Paul (Perry? Paul?) What's he done that is really quite so bad?
III. OVERALL
Apart from those, loved it!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Mister Rice (who is Mister Conrad, I suppose)!
Totally irrevelant, but I hate that semi-colon. Can you just use a comma instead? kthxbai.
O.O
Did you run out of ocean animals to use? XD But seriously, it just looks weird with only three ocean animals. Maybe google to look up some more? It kinda throws off the story with three ocean guys and two others who just look weird.
and, yay! Time for overall stuffs!
Um, yeah. About that...
It seems too rushed, and just take some time. Spread it out more if you have to. Don't just all cram into this part and make the weirdo ocean creatures sound like Spock (unless they are like Spock). You gots it, man!
What's a collab again, kids?
Kylan and Conrad, you two have really different writing styles, and I can see this whenever you put the two parts together. I can tell the difference immediately. Which isn't so good. And also, I would never be able to tell that this was a collab if ya'll didn't say it was. They two parts are completely different. I hope to see ya'll pull them together, because right now, I have no idea how they both fit.
Hurry up and get the next part posted. Now.
Feel free to bother me anytime if you have a question or comment.
~Linx
I have returned! So let us proceed with the review.
So here, Ronnie gets up:
and then a paragraph later:
So he gets up twice? Of course, I'm sure this is just a silly mistake. I do it all the time. So you may want to fix that.
Don't tell us that he was stunned. Show us. What did he do? Did he take a few steps back? Did his eyes widen? Did he gasp?
I can sort of imagine what the tone of her voice would be like, and how she says it, but I shouldn't have to guess. Show us that she's frustrated. '"What are you doing here," Elizabeth retorted, glaring at him through narrowed eyes'. You see, now we know how she feels about it. We don't have to make up the emotions for her; it's there for us.
This sentence is really awkward. Perhaps you might change it to '"We know that he will not betray us," said another Choir member, one that Ronnie could not identify' or something to that effect?
There should be a comma after attention.
This sentence really ought to be two.
Overall:
There are a few things that I want to point out here. The biggest one is dialogue. Your dialogue in this bit is incredibly stiff. You use the words "ask" and "said" far too much to describe the dialogue. How does the character say it? What are they doing while they say it? I noticed that nearly all your dialogue did not have an action attached to it. It would help to add some in here and there, to make it more natural. Use more descriptive words, like "snapped" or "muttered". This would help us get more into the dialogue and feel like we're actually there. Also, italics are your friends, dude! Use them!
Another thing I'd like to say is that this chapter is almost a little too fast-paced. One minute he's creeping after his sister and then all of the sudden you're throwing out all these fantasy names and terms and I, as the reader, begin to feel a little lost. You launch into who these beings are and what's going on far too fast. It'd be nice to have a little mystery in there. Leave us asking questions like "Who are these things? What does Elizabeth and Ronnie have to do with any of this?" We don't want all the answers exploded in our faces; it leaves us with nothing to think about, nothing to ponder. Give us something to chew on!
When I think back to the first chapter, and then I read over this one again, there's a huge jump between the two of them. I know this is a challenge with co-writes, but it's like the first chapter belongs to one story, and then this one belongs to an entirely different one. Contrasting the two of them, the first chapter has absolutely no fantasy whatsoever, while this one is quite heavy with the fantasy aspects. I know Kylan loves his figurative language, but I think he needs to cut back on it a little in this, while you, Con, need to add a little bit more. Co-writes require sacrifices. xD That would make them kind of... go together a little more. You two just need to work on combining your styles a little more, making it one.
Even so, I'm liking this so far. I'm curious to see how James and Ronnie's stories connect (and other characters, I'm presuming). It needs a little work, but both parts are written incredibly well and I'm quite interested. Can't wait for the next part!
-Holly